Hi,
My name is rob and I have hitchiked all over the U.S and Canada in the last 10 years;
The first 3 1/2 were because there weren't any jobs in my hometown;
The last 3 1/2 were basically spent going to rock concerts and horse races and other large events.
I had a "real job" for 3 years in between...
The mission behind this guide is to heip you to find the easiest way to get from point "A" to point "B" for under 14 dollars a day without getting raped, murdered, arrested or annoyed beyond the limits of your patience;

ALL BUSINESSES IN THIS GUIDE ARE CAPITALIST ENTERPRISES.
IF YOU ARE DOWN AND OUT TO THE POINT OF NEEDING A MISSION OR SHELTER YOU CAN FIND THEM WITHOUT MY HELP
I ALSO DID NOT INCLUDE HOSTELS BECAUSE AS NONPROFITS THEY DON'T FIT MY DEFINITION OF A CAPITALIST ENTERPRISE
(ALSO I THINK IF YOUR GONNA PAY GOOD MONEY TO SLEEP SOMEWHERE YOU SHOULD HAVE A MAID AND PRIVACY...)
3rdly, in my opinion, many missions and shelters are good places to get killed,
esp. in southeastern states...

THANX TO:
A 'SUNFLOWER' in Texas
PETER OLESON
THE CITY OF SAN FRANCISCO
JOEY POWELL
LAURA FROM INDIANAPOLIS
EVERY BODY WHO EVER GAVE ME A RIDE
THE CANADA IMMIGRATION GUY AT SWEETGRASS MT/ COUTTS ALBERTA WHO LET ME THRU TO GO TO ALASKA (WHETHER HE KNEW IT OR NOT)
CHRIS OLAND OF NEW BRUNSWICK
Billy and Sonny for food in adversity
Douglas Adams
Dana H (for help w/ second draft)
and comedian Rich Hall whose book and HBO special " Vanishing America " inspired the first trip...
And a stupid movie called "The Pilot" that I got so bored watching on tv that I decided to write this instead...
And especially Phil at the 76 truckstop in my home town who would give me a job during the tight times when there was a line of 100 people at everyplace w/a 'taking applications' sign in the window! ;)

Deadicated to all of the above and Brent Mydland.

THE 10 MOST COMMON QUESTIONS ASKED OF HITCHIKERS

1: WHERE ARE YOU GOING
2: WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
3: GOT ANY POT? (yeah I always carry dope when I'm bein' watched by every cop on the planet...)
4: WANT ANY POT?
5: GOT A LIGHT?
6: HOW OLD ARE YOU?
7: GOT ANY GAS MONEY?(yeah like yer the ceo of exxon or something..)
8: WOULD YOU CARE TO DRIVE? I'M EXHAUSTED!
9: WANT A BLOWJOB? (hello EXCUSE ME I WAS TRYING TO GO SOMEWHERE NOT GET LAID, AND BESIDES IF I WAS gay I would use the personal ads like everyone else...sheesh)
what kind of LOSER IS SO HARD UP THAT THEY TRY TO BLOW HITCHIKERS ANYWAY..?
HOW TO SPOT THESE CLOSET CASES IN 3 STEPS:
1: EZ LISTENING MUSIC ON RADIO (Not classical ez there is a difference)
2: Newer cars - usually 4dr sedans - always 55 or older - driving slower than is necessary.
And the dead giveaway:
3: No fixed destination: JUST GOING UP THE ROAD A BIT;

KIDS, IF THEY CAN'T TELL YOU EXACTLY WHERE THEY'RE GOING DON'T GET IN THE CAR - THEY DO not HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!

10: OH, OK, THEN HOW ABOUT GIVING ME A BLOWJOB?

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF HITCHIKING:

1: NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT 10 BUCKS: (USEFUL FOR LOCAL BUS AND COMMUTER RAIL SYSTEMS TO GET YOU TO THE SUBURBS OF YOUR HOMETOWN)
2: BATHE AS MUCH AS IS HUMANLY POSSIBLE WHILE TRAVELING
3: NEVER SMOKE CIGARETTES IN OTHER PEOPLES CARS UNLESS TOLD OTHERWISE
4: NEVER HIT UP YOUR RIDE FOR FOOD, MONEY, SEX, SMOKES OR DOPE (IF THEY HAVE ANY OF THE ABOVE TO SHARE BELIEVE ME THEY'LL OFFER IT. AUTO DRIVERS - THIS RULE APPLIES TO YOU ALSO)
5: NEVER CARRY ANY AMOUNT OF ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES THAT YOU WOULDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE SWALLOWING IN AN EMERGENCY (i.e 4 dr cars w/lights on top).
6: NEVER USE ANY RECREATIONAL PHARMACEUTICAL THAT REQUIRES A NEEDLE OR STRAW FOR INGESTION - THAT STUFF CAN KILL YA QUICK- REMEMBER LEN BIAS?- esp. crystal meth.
7: NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT A SLEEPING BAG (300 DOLLARS IS NO GOOD AT 3 IN MORNING IN WINSLOW AZ AND YOUR FREEZING YOUR NUTZZ OFF CUZ ALL THE MOTELS ARE FULL AND YOU CANT GO BUY ONE CUZ THE STORES ARE CLOSED)...
8: GOOD SNEAKERS OR HIKING BOOTS ONLY! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! IF YOU WEAR SANDALS OR COWBOY BOOTS YOU'RE GONNA BE SORRY - BLISTER CITY!
9: DON'T FORGET TOWEL, TOOTHBRUSH, TRENCHCOAT AND SMILE (IT REALLY HELPS CATCH RIDES).
10: IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO TRY TO EAT AT LEAST 5000 CALORIES A DAY- DON'T WORRY ABOUT GAINING WEIGHT THAT'S NOT REALLY GONNA BE AN OPTION...

P.S. YES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES COUNTS AS HITCHIKING IF THE TICKET COST IS LESS THAN WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE SPENT ON FOOD :)

ONE OTHER THING: THE COBRA HH-35 AND HH-4O HANDHELD 40 CHANNEL CB RADIOS HAVE A 4 MILE RANGE AND USE AA BATTERIES.
THEY'RE REALLY HANDY AND GENRALLY COST LESS THAN 75 DOLLARS

YOU CAN USE THEM FOR:
1: SCORING RIDES
2: INTELLIGENCE: WHEREZ DA MAN?
3: SCORING SHOWER TICKETS AT TRUCK STOPS
4: GETTING LUMPING JOBS (UNLOADING TRUCKS)
5: AND IF COURSE GENERAL BULLSHIT CONVERSATION like the following:
If you can afford a cb radio how cum you don't just buy a bus ticket??
My response: because this radio is reusable and a bus ticket is not embellished with Greyhound horror stories - all true of course

THE HITCHIKER MOTTO: I'D RATHER PUT MY DICK IN A BLENDER THAN RIDE A GREY HOUND BUS AGAIN!

Using borrowed terminal? No e-mail? Wanna write rob anyway? Free *web-based* password protected *accessible worldwide* yes it's legal; no it doesn't reconfigure the pc you're using...
It's available at Hotmail.com

Good maps available at Google Maps or Mapquest.

VICTORY FOR FREEDOM!
The Santa Fe public library not only allows the use of webmailers they encourage it. There are links to every free web based e-mailer known to the Santa Fe, New Mexico Public Library.

Free web - based email, Forever, From anywhere! Excite Mail.

Special thanx to Peter S. Oleson of Funny River, AK (for letting me hitchike on his web page for a while).

All content on this and the state, province, roadtrip and notes pages is copyright 1986 - 2006 and in perpetuity by: the legendary rob (content) & peter s. oleson (format)

Write to Legendary Rob.